If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Just English

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Here's more

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?Let's face it -

And more

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France .

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

And more

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find:

Quicksand can work slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Writers write but fingers don't fing.

Grocers don't groce.

Hammers don't ham.

And more

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, then preachers must have praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Should all the English speakers be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by car and send cargo by ship.

Have noses that run and feet that smell.

A slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.

How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike.

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

And more

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:

Your house can burn up as it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out.

An alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, isn't a race at all. So...

When the stars are out, they are visible, but.

When the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why...

When I wind up my watch, I start it, but.

When I wind up this essay, I end it.
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Medical Terminology for Dummies


Artery : The study of paintings

Bacteria : Back door of the cafeteria

Barium : What u do with dead patients

Bowels : A E I O U

Caesarean Section : A suburb in Rome

Cat scan : A search for kitty

D & C : Where Washington is

Dilate : To live longer

Enema : Not your friend

Fester : Quicker

Genital : Not a Jew

Impotent : Distinguished and well known

Labour pain : Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff : Doctor's walking stick

Morbid : Higher offer

Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates

Out Patient : A person who's fainted

Pelvis : A friend of Elvis

Post Operative : A letter courier

Seizure : The roman Emperor

Terminal illness : When you get sick at the airport

Tumor : Another couple

Urine : The opposite of "you're out"

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• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

• Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

• OK, so what's the speed of dark?

• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

• Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

• Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

• He who hesitates is probably right.

• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

• No one is listening until you make a mistake.

• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

• The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

• Two wrongs are only the beginning.

• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

• A fool and his money are soon partying.

• Money can't buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.

• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade.

• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just have film.

• Boycott shampoo. Demand the REAL poo.

• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

• Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bare arms.

• For Sale : Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

• Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

• Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it !

• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

• Death to all fanatics!

• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

• Chastity is curable, if detected early.

• Don't be sexist; broads hate that !

• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

• Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb !

• Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

• Black holes are where God divided by zero.

• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon ?

• What do people in China call their good plates?

• What do you call a male ladybug?

• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

• Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

• Why are cigarettes sold at petrol stations where smoking is prohibited?

• Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

• If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?

• Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

• If fire-fighters fight fire and a crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

• If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?